*I've been away for so long that I wonder *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
*I've been away for so long that I wonder *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*I've been away for so long that I wonder *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*I've been away for so long that I wonder *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*I've been away for so long that I wonder *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*I've been away for so long that I wonder *
*Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
-*If the sound of the drum still has its power * -*Hey, hey *
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
Give this to your mother.
She's the one without the penis sheath.
- Wow. Thank you, darling. - Welcome.
*If the sound of the drum still has its power *
[ Girl ] What's up?
Hey, Mickey, Mickey, wait up.
[ Shouting ]
[ Man ] Hey, hey, Sulukim !
Hey, hey, hey, you look great.
[ Laughing ]
Sulukim, hamamass.
Hamamass. Thank you. Hamamass.
- [ Speaking Native Language ] - Papa Sulukim !
Shelly ! [ Laughing ]
- Yes, let's all go to the party. -[ People Shouting ]
No, Sulukim, it's a lost tribe.
- We wanna find them. We need you to guide us. - No get.
Jennifer, you explain it to them.
Okay.
[ Speaking Native Language ]
[ Sulukim ] No, no, no, no get.
[ Man Speaking Native Language ]
[Jennifer Continues In Native Language ]
-[ TV:Static ] -[ VCR Clicking ]
[ Floorboards Creaking ]
[ Snoring ]
- [ Boy ] Hi. - Aaah ! Oh ! Oh ! What the hell are you doing?
Dad, my hamster died.
Oh. Oh. [ Sighs ]
I'm sorry. [ Clears Throat ]
Well, um, why don't I take you to the pet shop after school...
and get you another one, okay?
I don't want another hamster.
I know.
I know, Mick. [ Sighs ]
You want Dr. Leakey back.
Actually, I'd rather have a dog.
- What was I thinking? - [Watch Beeping ]
- What-- Oh, jeez ! - Is that a "yes" ?
Eddie, Shelly, come on, come on, come on, wake up !
Come on. We're late !
- You're late. We're fine. - [ Clears Throat ]
Hey, Eddie.
How's my favorite five-year-old, huh?
Nothing. Great, great. Nice talkin' to ya.
We'll do it again real soon.
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Whoever it is, I'm not home. - Hello?
[ Gagging ]
[ Spitting ] Ah !
- Uh-huh. - April 3? How does that help me?
The year ! I need a year.
Dad, it's Mr. Schramm from the bank again.
Tell him I died.
- He said he's dead. - What do you mean, dead--
- Mickey, put on this shirt. -[ Doorbell Ringing ]
It smells.
-[ Ringing Continues ] - [ Sniffing ] Oh.
This smells too. Only it smells like you.
[ Sniffs ] Hmm.
Professor Krippendorf? Hello !
Professor Krippendorf.
Professor Krippendorf?
- What do you want for lunch? - Cash.
Come on, Eddie. Let's go get your shoes.
Whee-ee !
[ Sighs, Giggles ] Professor Krippendorf.
I'm sorry. I rang the doorbell a bunch of times, but no one answered the door.
- Excuse me. - I'm Veronica Micelli from Bounderbee University.
- I was in your graduate studies seminar. - I am very busy here.
- May I say something? - What?
You're the reason I became an anthropologist.
- You are an anthropologist? - Yeah, I'm on the faculty now.
We are colleagues. Isn't that amazing?
- Thrilling. - I know.
- Can I ask you a question? - Of course.
- What are you doing here? - Shouldn't the question be: What are you doing here?
One of the greatest anthropological minds of our time.
A mind that has now discovered a lost civilization that no one--
What are you doing here? That's what I think.
Because you should be up there !
Yeah. Up there...
with all the other great minds that are already up there.
- Professor Krippendorf, I want to join your team. - And you will.
- I will ? - Team Krippendorf.
And you're the captain. Okay, there'll be a newsletter. Thank you so much.
You know, I was such a big fan of your late wife's.
And she, you. Yes.
Well, it's great to have you on board. Really, really.
We're all looking forward to it. Thanks for stopp--
Okay, but what about tonight?
Well, tonight-- Well, I'm very flattered, but I have to wash my hair.
- I mean the lecture. - The lecture?
Oh, you're giving a lecture. That's great. You're gonna be wonderful. Drive carefully.
- Oh, Professor, it's your lecture. - Excuse me?
Tonight, on the undiscovered tribe of New Guinea.
- That's tonight? - Mm, at 7:30.
Didn't you get my fax?
- Professor, are you all right? - Yeah.
- You are ready, aren't you? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
What were you saying about a fax? I-I don't see any--
Uh, yeah, I sent you several faxes.
Well, there doesn't seem to be any fax.
- I'm not finding any-- - Oh !
- There's, uh-- - See? Right here.
[ Mumbling ] "Proxmire Foundation staff and money--"
Yeah, that's a fax. "Lecture, Monday--"
On the lost tribe that you found.
Well, if I told you I lost them again, could I get an extension?
Oh, Professor.
-[ Woman ] Professor Krippendorf ! - Excuse me.
[ Clears Throat ]
- Professor Krippendorf, look! -[ Mickey ] Hoo-ha, hoo-ha, hoo-ha, doktahichi.
- Hoo-ha, hoo-ha, hoo-ha, doktahichi. - Oh, Mickey !
- Hoo-ha, hoo-ha-- - What are you doing up there?
I'm giving Dr. Leakey a Gotonta tree burial.
It's my project for the science fair.
Hoo-ha, hoo-ha, hoo-ha, doktahichi.
Mickey, get down from there.
- [ Screams, Gasps ] -[ All Screaming ]
[ Mickey ] It's alive ! It's alive !
- Mickey ! - I wanted to shoot a burial, you stupid hamster.
- Mickey, stop ! - Get back here !
- Oh, for crying out loud, Mickey ! - I think I'll be going now.
- Do you hear me? - So sorry to interrupt, but the bus is here.
- All right, all right. - I wanted a dog, you stupid hamster !
Mickey, put the rake down and get on the bus.
You can finish killing your pet when you get home.
- Put the rake down. There we go. - Give me the camera !
Have a good day, kids ! Make me proud.
- Come home different. -[ Shelly ] What is wrong with you?
- So what can I do to help you? - Not a thing.
- I'm a whiz with data entry. - Under control.
- Proofreading? - Nope, nope, nope.
Okay, should you need anything at all, look, I wrote down my home number...
and that's my fax number, and that's my cell phone.
You're too kind.
- Please. I feel we share a common goal with this. - Thank you.
Don't mention it.
- Beeper ! - Thank...you.
Okay.
- Thank you ! - Okay.
[ Woman ] Mmm, good? Mmm, good.
No, no, that's enough. No more. You know what fruit does to you. I said no.
Mmm. Mm. Oh.
[ Man ] Hey, Professor Krippendorf, nice to see you back.
[ Krippendorf Chuckling ]
Well, I guess you can come home again.
Ruth.
Popo. How are you?
- [ Farts ] - He's a little flatulent today.
Oh, that was him.
[ Chuckling ] Oh,James, you've always had such a way with toilet humor.
Which reminds me, I'm so looking forward to tonight's lecture.
- Are you? - You know, I've always wanted to ask you...
did Jennifer write this grant proposal, or did you?
Why do you ask?
Well,Jennifer, as we all know, was brilliant, but this proposal is so vague...
so insubstantial...
so...you.
How are you?
I'm fine, Ruth. Thank you so much for asking.
I'm so glad to hear that. I'm not gonna wish you luck tonight...
because I know you don't need it.
- [ Chuckles ] - I'll say a little prayer instead.
[ Both Chuckling ]
[ Chuckling Continues ]
[ Door Closes ]
I have... nothing !
- [ Boy ] Come on, man ! - [ Boy #2 ] Hey, wait up !
-[ Doorbell Rings ] -[ Woman ] Children, your biological father is here.
- You're late. - Oh, see ya !
- [ Screams ] - Oh, why don't the children spend the night here?
- Are you serious? Again? - Sounds like a no.
- Open. Go, go, go ! - What are you trying to do, turn the children against us?
Yes, Irene, it's part of my master plan. Shelly.
How you managed to drag our daughter to those squalid jungles...
still remains a mystery to me.
He didn't have to drag her. My mother was an eminent anthropologist.
- Thank you. - And whatever her reasons for marrying Dad were...
- we'll never know. - I think.
But no one ever dragged Mom anywhere.
-[ Door Closes ] - Angry.
[ Chattering ]
Ooh.
[ Man ] Can I help the next person in line please?
[ Man ] Nine-piece McNugget, please.
What?
Isn't it a little bit late to be writing your speech now?
- I'm polishing. -[ Mickey ] Want it? Want it? Come get it.
Come on, you poor baby. Come on. You jerk.
- You want it? Get it. - Son of a-- Oh, just--
- Way to go, Edmund. - What is this?
It's what's left of that stupid space shuttle bank you bought him in Orlando.
- He put it in the blender. It's a piece of crap. -All right, settle down.
- Settle down ! -[ Mickey ] Loser !
What a bunch of savages.
- Ow. - I have an idea.
All right, come on. Settle up-- down. Now listen.
Why don't we-- Why don't we-- Wait.
Why don't we, um, do what normal families do, okay?
They sit around the dinner table and they tell stories.
- Huh? What do you think? - Oh, fabulous. Quality time.
- [ Chuckling ] - W-What kind of stories?
Stories. Golly.
You know, like about one of our trips to New Guinea together.
And why's that?
And, boys, let's try to be as detailed as possible.
Edmund?
No, no, talk to me. Talk to your dad.
Talk to me for once.
Everything was green and beautiful.
Then Mom died.
[ Man ]Jimmy, can you drop some fries, please?
That was a good idea.
[ Mickey ] Get back here,you loser !
- Mickey. - Gotcha. [ Laughing ]
- Get off him. - Come on !
Get inside. Get up the steps. Get inside.
- I'm sick of this. - Hey-hey, hey-hey, hey.
I spoke to him this morning-- Oh, excuse me.
- Uh, Professor Krippendorf. - Oh, Tinker Bell.
Hello. Listen, I've been trying to call you all day...
because I have these great publicity ideas that I wanted to talk to you about.
I would rather that you didn't.
As a matter of fact, I would rather that you back off.
- Excuse me. - I, uh--
[ Snoring ]
Thank you, God.
Good evening. Gentlemen.
[ Clears Throat ] My name is Professor Krippendorf.
- Uh, Professor. - I'm here to begin the-- What, what, what?
Your lecture's across the hall.
[ Chuckles ] Excuse me.
Come on.
- Get in there and behave yourself. - Lecture's in here.
- Quiet. Come on. Come on, come on. - I'm sick of this.
- Right this way. - Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Gerald.
- That's Krippendorf. - Krippendorf.
-James ! - Professor Krippendorf. Look, everybody.
- Gerald, I have something important to tell you. - What, now?
James, what the hell's wrong with you? Are you nervous?
- Gerald. - Don't you see the crowd out there?
I'm telling ya, this is hot.
Let me ask you a question, Gerald.
How long have we known each other ? Twenty years.
Charlie Farrick's office. As soon as we finish sprucing it up, it's yours, all yours.
Good. Uh, you see, the thing is...
uh, after Jennifer died, I kinda cracked up.
- You know, if it was just me-- - Farrick's going to jail.
- Uh, jail ? - Yeah.
Charlie Farrick is going to jail ?
Can you believe the son of a bitch was robbing us blind?
- He was? - Oh,yeah.
He stole. He stole grant money for personal use.
- He did? - Oh,yeah, and he never even did the research.
I'm talkin' about New York hotels...
Broadway plays, flowers, hookers.
Uh, oh, uh--
Golly, you know, people do this kind of thing all the time.
Not to me, they don't. Not to me.
Charlie's gonna do time for this,Jimmy.
Hard time.
So, you ready, huh? You ready to go out there and razzle-dazzle them, buddy?
- Huh? - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
All right, let's go !
I'm telling you, this is gonna be big. Really big. It better be.
Hi.
[ Clears Throat ]
Excuse me, people. Could we settle down? Can I have some quiet, please?
Everybody take their seats.
Good. Thank you. [ Clears Throat ]
- Ladies and gentlemen. - He's terrified.
Colleagues, distinguished guests, President Porter.
The moment we've all been eagerly anticipating has fiinally arrived.
I know,you're all chomping at the bit to hear about this truly astonishing work.
So without further adieu and with great pride...
I give you my old friend and distinguished colleague...
Professor James Krippendorf.
Thank you very much for, uh, for coming.
Uh, first, I-I, uh, would like to, uh, apologize...
for the abbreviated nature of this first Proxmire lecture.
I'd like to thank the department for the extra time to prepare...
before I did these presentations.
He doesn't have anything.
[ Grunting ] Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.
Okay, the tribe in question. Um--
The tribe in question, uh, um--
Well, isolated from the world by, uh, mountains...
and, uh, uh, extensive swampland...
uh, the, uh, tribe in question had been untouched by civilization...
until, uh, two years ago...
when it was discovered...
by my wife and myself.
Um... questions?
[Whispers ] Okay. Okay.
[ Clearing Throat ]
The, uh-- The, uh, um--
- Professor Krippendorf? - Yes.
In the proposal for this grant...
it is written, and I quote:"I believe when found, they will astound us."
Yes, uh, that, yes-- "They will astound us." Yes, that's exactly right.
Give us an example.
- Uh, an example of-- - Of how they will astound us.
Of how they will astound us. Yes.
Um, well, they will astound us-- you, um--
Uh, because they have a domestic unit.
A domestic unit, which until now...
is unheard of in Neolithic society.
And what is this domestic unit?
That is a, uh-- what we would call a single-parent home.
[ All Gasping ]
You're saying a young female...
is allowed to raise a family by herself?
No, I am-- I am saying something more remarkable than that.
I am saying that, uh, the single parent in this instance... is male.
[ Gasping ]
- Well, that's a first. - [ Chuckles ]
I find it fascinating.
So do I, Professor Micelli.
As a matter of fact, the single father-- if I might call him that--
is highly regarded in this community.
He is called the utabaji...
which literally translates as "the esteemed single parent."
You mean the male in question did not run off...
and find another female to immediately oppress?
No, that's not the way they operate.
As a matter of fact, with all of the incredible difficulty that they have...
single fathers with children...
have immense pride in the comfort and cleanliness...
- of their domestic hut. - What are they called?
Huh?
Do they have a name, Professor Krippendorf?
Of course they have a name. Uh, uh--
The, uh, the "Shelmikedmu."
- The Shel-- Shelmikedmu. - What?
[ Clears Throat ] The Shelmikedmu.
But, Professor, without sexual partners...
would this not cause problems for the, uh, social balance of the community?
Ah, that is an excellent question.
Thank you very much. That is a superb question.
As a matter of fact, we do have an object here today...
which solves that very problem that you were mentioning.
I'm sorry. Here.
All right, now, uh, this little item here...
is called by the Shelmikedmu a shutal.
-A shutal, see? - That takes talent.
It's a very, very powerful totem.
It has, as you can see, both a male and a female plug.
And it is, in fact, a marital device.
- [ Crowd Laughing ] - I-I-It's a Neolithic dildo.
[ Laughing Continues ]
Would you care to, uh-- Pass that down to Dr. Allen, please.
You can take it home for the weekend if you'd like.
- [ Crowd Laughing ] - Hmm.
Thank you.
- [ Man ] Wonderful. - [Woman ] You were great.
Outstanding ! I especially liked the way you handled our resident blowhard, Ruth Allen.
That was beautiful. Beautiful.
I would do anything to be part of this.
- Professor Krippendorf. - Oh !
Mrs. Proxmire will be thrilled when I tell her how well it went.
- Thank you, thank you. - Quite a relief.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
When can I see the film?
You do have film, don't you?
Of course he has film. Oh, my God, it's magnificent film.
The imagery. When I first saw it, I was amazed.
Excellent. I'll plan to screen some at the lecture on Friday.
- We'll be there. - Mm-hmm.
See you then. Isn't this exciting?
Ow. What? Footage is good, isn't it?
- [ Beeping ] - Professor Krippendorf, this is Mr. Schramm at the bank.
- I still have not received your check. Call me. - [ Beeping ]
Thank you.
- What's this for ? - A urine sample.
- I wanna know what drugs you're on. - I had to tell them something.
How about the truth?
That I spent all the money and I didn't complete the research. That'd dazzle 'em.
- How big a grant did they give you? - A hundred thousand.
Dollars? Awesome.
We didn't spend it all in New Guinea, so how could you squander that much money?
Squander ? [ Chuckles ] Squander ?
Let's think about this, my little "squandees." Food, clothing, shelter.
Big screen TVs, VCRs, counseling sessions.
- Those were a waste of time. - Clearly.
T-They expect to see film footage.
Excuse me. Who is the adult in this room?
Don't answer that ! I am the adult in this room.
A small point:the adult in this room doesn't have any film footage.
And do you know why? Because there is no tribe.
Yeah? Well, everybody in that audience tonight thinks there is a tribe.
That's true.
That is very, very true.
What are you saying?
What I am saying is...
that you take a little Nishowiku...
and you add a little Imatosa...
and you throw in a dash of Katanka...
and you've got the Shelmikedmu, huh?
They want the Shelmikedmu, they're gonna get the Shelmikedmu.
Huh?
[ Mickey ] So, uh, let's get some palm trees.
No palm trees. We don't need palm trees.
- All right, uh, Venus flytraps? - Venus flytraps?
*Have you ever been close to tragedy *
*Or been close to folks who have *
*Have you ever felt the pain so powerful *
*So heavy you collapse *
No? Well...
-*I never had to knock on wood * - It's too skinny.
I'm working on it.
- It needs to be about this much wider. - Okay.
- Look at this. - Yes.
*I never had to knock on wood *
*And I'm glad I haven't yet *
*Because I'm sure it isn't good *
*That's the impression that I get *
Oh, hello, pumpkin. How are you?
Do you remember me from yesterday? I'm Veronica Micelli.
I'm friends with your daddy. I brought this really nice reporter here.
We just wanna ask him a couple of questions--
*I never had to knock on wood *
*And I'm glad I haven't yet *
*Because I'm sure it isn't good *
*That's the impression that I get **
Come on, guys !
We're losin' the light.
Hey ! The Shelmikedmu do not allow pictures taken without the ritual body paint on.
- Nicely put. - It is our way.
Yo !
- It's really great, you know that? - What?
The way you are.
You know, always helping out around here, doing things for us--
- The answer is no. - What?
I'm not playing Boo-Boo, the native girl.
Shelly, it's only one film.
You're a fraud.
I need you.
No way.
- [ Squealing ] -Shelly !
- Now catch the chicken. - If it doesn't come in a bucket, I don't touch it.
Shelly, don't break my hump, okay?
Catch the chicken. They're gonna repossess my hut.
Come on, come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- Go, go, go ! - Go !
All right, that's it. That's it.
- Quicker, quicker. - Come on. Let's go.
- Shelly ! Shelly ! - That's it. Come on.
Get your hands on the little son of a--
E-Excellent work. Very, very good.
- Now what? - Now cook the chicken.
I just chased poultry through my backyard looking like Tammy Faye Bakker.
You owe me.
Thank you, Boo-Boo. Where are you going?
- To a friend's. -[ Mickey ] She doesn't have any friends.
-Shut up ! - Besides, you're part of our tribe.
There is no tribe. Oh, and one small point:
Maybe Edmund's tutu should have a few more leaves.
- I mean, how many Neolithic tribes practice circumcision? - Whoops.
[ Goat Bleating ]
Boo-Boo has made an excellent point.
That will be the subject of our film.
A rare, primitive circumcision ritual.
Yes ! In which the older brother performs the actual deed.
- [ Mickey Screaming ] - No, no, no, no, no.
This is not Nightmare on Shelmikedmu Street.
This is a delicate ritual between brothers.
- Sh-- - Sorry.
All right, your wee-wee's on the log. Okay. Now what?
The young Shelmikedmu boy sits at the egala altar...
waiting for his older brother to guide him through the portals of manhood.
Egala altar. That's a nice little detail.
-[ Goat Bleating ] - There's a spider on the log.
- [ Screaming ] - Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, oh. Mickey. - There was a spider.
Oh. Whatever.
Okay, let the ceremony begin.
[Yelling ]
Excuse me, uh, what exactly is the older brother doing?
He is completing the ritual dance...
in which he asks the gods to protect the young boy...
from many brides who want him and his pig wealth.
Hey, you put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
- It's my tribe. - Yeah.All right. Now, wait, wait, wait.
Edmund, you're--you're looking up to the gods with trepidation.
Trepidation.
Trepidation, trepidation, trepidation.
Um, well, you're really afraid that your brother is going to chop your wee-wee off.
Ah, there we go. Excellent trepidation.
All right, here's the footage from our last trip to New Guinea.
Okay, we just need to shoot a few more pieces.
Look at the camera. One, two, three, ah !
- Come on, ah ! - Ah !
- One, two, three. - Ah !
Excellent. Did you get that?
No, here. Tilt that. There you are.
Can you see him now? There we go. Okay, ready?
Magunga.
- [ Grunting ] - Edmund, look miserable.
Excellent.
Here goes nothin'.
[ Film: Mickey Grunting ]
Good job.
At first glance, the Shelmikedmu appear to be a somewhat typical New Guinea tribe...
as unremarkable as they are undiscovered.
However, that all changed when we began to focus in...
on one particular family unit.
Although there is, uh, no evidence...
uh, of circumcision among other New Guinea tribes...
we find that circumcision is a ritual used by the Shelmikedmu.
[ Murmuring ]
Now, the uncircumcised child of a Shelmikedmu family here...
is waiting patiently at the egala altar for his older brother...
who will be the one to guide him into manhood.
- Magunga. - Here, the older boy is handed the sacred pola bar...
by the native shaman.
Now, this axe, which has been fashioned from stone...
has been used to circumcise tribal members for thousands and thousands of years.
[ Grunting ]
Now, this is interesting. The older brother here is performing a ritual dance...
the purpose of which is to ask the gods for a steady hand...
for what will surely be a delicate, uh, procedure.
[ Mickey Grunting ]
And here we are.
- Ah ! - [ Gasping, Murmuring ]
Quite remarkable, yes?
- [Woman ] Amazing. -[ Man ] Professor Krippendorf.
Professor Krippendorf, I wonder if you could talk to a couple of my students here.
- I'm sorry, I have to go to my son's science fair. - Scientist !
- Chip off the old block. - Oh, Professor Krippendorf. Professor.
Professor, I have somebody I want you to meet.
May I speak to you privately for a second?
This is an interview with Veronica Micelli about the Shelmikedmu.
- Yeah, I know. Does that upset you? - Yes, it does upset me.
Thank you. God. See, me too, because they told us...
they were gonna give us a full-color photo and three columns.
The point is: you had no right to give this interview.
- What? This paper has a circulation of 35,000,James. - That's not the point !
- Professor ! - Thank you so much. Thank you.
Will you shut up ! It is not your lecture. It is not her tribe.
It has nothing to do with you.
And this article is a brazen attempt at self-promotion.
I am crushed that you would say that,James.
- May I call you James? - No !
But, speaking of promotion, I have someone I want you to meet.
Professor Krippendorf, meet Henry "Spivvey."
Spivey. I'm a great admirer of yours, Professor.
- I could not have been more thrilled to receive your call. - My call ?
Well, Mr. Spivey operates a new cable TV network...
dedicated to anthropology called Primal Time.
- You're joking? - No, I am not, and I want you to come on board.
Give me the television rights to the Shelmikedmu story.
[ Laughing ] No.
Professor, we share the goal of making anthropology accessible to the common man.
[ Chuckling ] The common man could give a shit.
Well, no, that's just because anthropology has never been presented to them...
as relevant to their lives before.
Our little Shelmikedmu deal with the same problems that we face every day:
loneliness, despair, intense sexual longing.
[ Man ] Uh, next we have Michael Krippendorf...
with his project on a tribe from the jungles of New Guinea.
All right, Michael.
[ Pig Squealing ]
I am a member of the Shelmikedmu tribe.
These pigs, a staple of the Shelmikedmu's economy...
are adorned with hornbilled beaks and bird-of-paradise feathers.
This structure is called an ojatani.
It is used only once by the women of my tribe.
It is built to house a young virgin...
experiencing her first menstruation.
- [ Audience Gasping ] - What did he say?
At first signs of menses, the young female is anointed with pig urine...
and placed in the menarpat, where she will remain for three days...
- until the spirits of maidenhood have left her body. - Isn't that interesting?
Thank you, Michael. Next we have Adam Kant and his lima bean graphs.
Because she's in her first days of menstruation...
- I've placed Abbey Tournquist in the menarpat. - Oh, my God, it's Abbey !
I shall now douse her with the sacred pig urine.
Aaaah !
[ Pig Squealing ]
Please, don't do this.
- No problem, no problem. Can I talk to you? - Abbey, come out of there now !
Not until I'm purified.
[ Grandmother ] Discuss it? Discuss? Discuss what?
[James ] I am not sending my kids to any boarding school.
Hey ! Time out, time out, time out !
Unfortunately, these problems are not confined to Mickey.
His behavior seems to be affecting Edmund.
Edmund was asked to draw "What I enjoyed most about my weekend."
Let me take a look at that drawing. I wanna see the drawing.
- What is the matter with you? - Get your hands off of it.
Would you stop acting like a child?
All right, let's just calm down here.
The fact is, a school like Chester Hills...
with its emphasis on discipline, is probably a better choice.
My sentiments exactly.
I apologize.
I guess things might have gotten out of hand...
and, uh, I'm not making any excuses...
but I should take responsibility for this.
I don't want my kids to go to boarding school...
so from now on, no more crazy behavior.
Things are gonna change. I give you my word.
Another magical day in the Krippendorf household, Mr. Schramm.
The children are all ready for school...
and they're clean and coiffed and anxious to embark on another day of learning.
Mickey, take that headdress off. I mean, take that red dress off.
- I mean, take that red dress and give it to your sister. - [ Mr. Schramm Muttering ]
What? I-- No, sir.
No, sir, the check is in the-- Yes, I'll hold.
Of course I'll hold.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Darling, honey, can I ask you a question... seriously?
Are you happy?
The color won't come out of my hair.
Foreclosure? Are you serious?
No, no, no. No. No, no, no, I didn't mean that you weren't serious. No, no.
Leo-- May I call you Leo?
Mr. Schramm, I know that deadlines are not meant to be ignored...
but please don't do anything rash.
The check will be in your hands by 3:00 this afternoon.
I swear to God, I'll bring it myself.
I'm ready to make a deal.
- [ Gasps ] - Veronica !
- Could I talk to you in private for a second? - Yes.
I knew you'd see it my way. Okay, so how we're gonna play this--
Don't give away the merchandising !
[ Man ] This is an insult to anthropology.
-[ Woman ] That's right, an insult. - [ Gerald ] Seems fine to me.
James's style has always been unconventional.
Oh, unconventional. Gerald, for God's sake, this is tabloid anthropology.
The Shelmikedmu demi-bra?
- It's tabloid. - You're jealous.
- Oh, you're ridiculous. - I've never been jealous of anyone in my life.
Bullshit. The Shelmikedmu have captured the imagination of the public.
Unlike your musty old Galincas.
Which by comparison strike me as-- Oh, what's that word? Boring.
Krippendorf is sensationalizing this tribe for his own financial gain.
Oh, get a grip.
Professors, please,just-- Please !
James's style may not be to your liking, but Miss Micelli is absolutely right.
Thanks to Krippendorf's tribe, this department's reputation is growing by leaps and bounds...
and I, for one, am delighted.
Well, you may be falling for this Shelmikedmu crap...
but every instinct in my body tells me that this stinks to high heaven.
- Excuse me, Ruth. - Mine too ! - Mine, too, Professor.
In fact, I don't think there is a Shelmikedmu tribe.
All right, Miss Professor Know-It-All.
If you're so sure there's no tribe, why don't you take off to Mount Bosavi and prove it.
- I should. - That's right. She should.
- Go ahead. - I just might.
- Be my guest. - Hah ! I will !
- Lori and I will leave tomorrow. - That's right, tomorrow.
We will ? Ruth. Ruth !
**[ Boombox:Disco ]
*Boogie fever *
* You got to boogie down *
* Boogie fever *
* I think it's goin' around **
[ Chattering ]
Oh, my God, I'd forgotten.
Oh, the decay, the stench.
[ Sighs ] The chaos.
Oh, Popo, we're home.
So much cleaner in the books.
We'll go find someone to take us where we're going.
Lori, you look positively green. You should eat something.
Who wants to get work?
- You ! Me like go long Bosavi now. - No Bosavi. No.
Me like buy 'em triple man.
- Go Bosavi. -[ Man ] No Bosavi.
- Not me ! - Not me !
[ Men Shouting ]
[ Loud Slurping ]
You, me, go Bosavi now.
I-I'm fine, thank you.
[ Clears Throat ] Now, for the Shelmikedmu...
personal appearance is of primary concern.
And for the young people, especially the teenagers...
- One second. - these ritual obligations are terribly painful and--
- Psst, psst, psst. - and absolutely necessary.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Pardon me.
It's Random House. They love us.
Sit down !
[ Audience Giggling, Murmuring ]
[ Clears Throat ] Um, the rituals that I spoke about...
are performed in a small and sacred shrine...
Dad, Shelly's been in the bathroom for an hour !
located near the sleeping area.
In the center of that shrine is an altar affixed to a wall.
Inside these altars are various talismans and potions.
-[ Mickey ] Let me in ! - I'm busy.
Much attention is paid to the underarm...
a sacred part of the Shelmikedmu anatomy.
Good or bad fortune is believed to emanate from this area.
- [ Laughing ] - Oh, well.
Any other-- Any other questions?
- Yes? - Do the Shelmikedmu practice divorce?
[ Audience Moaning ]
Well, when a Shelmikedmu couple wish to divorce...
the tribal equivalent of a lawyer is appointed to each side in the marriage.
Everybody concerned works very hard to avoid an annulment from happening.
However, if a divorce, in fact, takes place...
the two lawyers are executed.
- Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! - [ Cheering ]
There's just so much we can learn from the Shelmikedmu...
except for their hair and makeup.
Another brilliant lecture, Professor.
I am anxious to see what you've come up with for our sweeps week video.
Uh, sweeps week video?
Yes, I paid you for it last week. I need it by Monday.
Ah, sweet potato.
- It examines the role of the sweet potato in Shelmikedmu agriculture. - Sweet potato.
-[ Veronica ] Boring. - What, boring?
Well, let's speak frankly here. We need ratings.
Now, we have their attention, but we need something that grabs focus.
- Not sweet potatoes. - Precisely.
- Such as-- - Sex.
[ Chuckles, Clears Throat ]
Shelmikedmu sex videos?
Mating rituals,James. One of the cornerstones of any field research.
You did cover them, didn't you?
Don't be ridiculous !
Besides, no one is gonna wanna watch the Shelmikedmu do each other.
Certainly not. Howvulgar.
Unless scientifically presented, of course.
Don't move.
[ Clears Throat ] Excuse me, ladies.
Would any of you be interested in watching a one-hour special...
on the mating rituals of the Shelmikedmu?
- You mean sex videos? Oh, absolutely. - Yes.
- Oh, very interested. - What night will it be on?
Discovery Channel, eat your heart out.
Loosen up,James.
I think you're right.
Would you like to discuss this over a drink?
Mm.
- ** [ Lush Orchestral ] - The Shelmikedmu courting chant.
When a Shelmikedmu male wishes to woo a female...
he breaks the ice with a drink of fermented juteberries and banana sap.
Another brandy, Professor Micelli ?
Oh, call me Veronica, please.
I really don't think I should.
No, a little more.
Thank you.
So...
are your children sleeping?
They're spending the evening at their grandparents'.
Oh.
Ahh.
- What's that? - This?
Oh ! This is a kiefo.
The Shelmikedmu use it when choosing a bride.
Oh.
How does it work?
Well, uh, that's, uh, very graphic.
- Please. - Yes, okay.
Um, just bear in mind that I'm speaking to you as a scholar...
and not as a man who finds you unbelievably attractive.
The prospective Shelmikedmu bride...
holds the kiefo thusly, allowing her breasts to fall over the edge...
suggesting the possibility of her fertility.
A sort of Shelmikedmu wet T-shirt contest.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Now these lines here, um, indicate...
how large the breasts might be...
and also determine payment.
One pig's worth, two pig's worth, three pig's worth...
and so on and so forth and so on.
Oh.
Here, let me be the Shelmikedmu virgin.
Ah. Ooh, there we go.
How do I stack up?
Um--
Well, as the Shelmikedmu would say...
jagabondo !
Which roughly translates as, uh...
more pigs than you can possibly imagine.
Wee-wee-wee, all the way home.
Oh. What's this hole for ?
That hole-- [ Moans Pleasurably ]
By golly, I think you found out what that hole is for.
Extra credit for Professor Micelli.
You know, I've always had a crush on you.
When I was in your seminar on the Kinaposa...
you made me feel like I was the only woman in the room.
You were the only woman in that room.
- Be honest. Are you attracted to me? - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Are you just saying that 'cause I'm holding your penis?
[ Inhales ]
Would you like to slip in to something more...
comfortable?
Mm-hmm.
[ Screams ]
[ Grunting ]
Ah, ah, ah. [ Chuckles ]
- [ Muttering Gibberish ] - Ah, yeah, yeah.
I always wondered if all those months in the jungle would change a man...
but,James, I had no idea.
[Whirring ]
You're a wild man. Come here. [ Grunting ]
[ Moaning Pleasurably ]
[James ] *A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh *
[ Moaning Continues ]
[James Grunting ] Wimoweh.
[James Snoring ]
[ Sighs ] Ooh.
Last night was unbelievable.
Mmm, yes, it was.
- So what are you gonna do today? - Um, let's see.
Whatever you're doing.
You know, it's never good when couples work together...
so I've decided that this Shelmikedmu thing is over.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Okay.
[ Groans ]
What do you mean, this Shelmikedmu thing is over ?
We just can't invade these innocent people's lives any more than we already have.
- Why not? - Why? Because it's not right.
Well, well, what was last night about then?
Are you saying that last night happened only because you want to become a partner...
in the Shelmikedmu?
No ! What I am saying is, I thought that we-- that wh--
Goddamn it, where is my shoe?
You know what? I worked my butt off to make Shelmikedmu the talk of anthropology.
- Who asked you? -[ Knocking ]
[ Gasping ] Oh, find yourself a genius.
- Gordon. -James.
- Can we talk? - Um--
As you know, Irene believes the children belong in Chester Hills...
but, really, all she needs is assurance...
that the children are being raised in a decent and sanitary environment.
- You are an egomaniacal monster. Do you know that? - I'm at the front door.
- Who's that? - My new housekeeper.
Housekeeper !
Housekeep this ! [ Screams ]
Don't worry about the ironing, Miss Micelli. Have a nice day off.
- Would you like some coffee? - What's going on here?
[ Grunts, Screams ] Out of this house.
The old school type of housekeeper.
Runs this house any way she wants, and God help the person who gets in her way.
Uh, Tuesday, as usual ?
Kiss my Neolithic ass !
A proud woman. I try to be sensitive to her feelings.
-[ Car Starting, DrivingAway ] - [ Bleating ]
You forgot your goat, Miss Micelli.
Hurry up. Lick, lick. We're almost up on top.
Hurry up ! You must hurry up !
Day three. Despite my best efforts...
- the mood of the expedition has turned against me... -[ Thunderclap ]
and heavy weather threatens to delay us even-even more-- more than--
My God, that has got to be the greatest ass I've ever seen on a man.
- Ole, man. - [ Speaking Native Language ]
What's wrong?
[ Speaking Native Language ]
- What's wrong? - [ Native Language ] No Bosavi.
Yes, Bosavi. Make way ! Go !
You can talk to me. What's the deal with this Bosavi thing?
Too dangerous? Too sacred? What?
No. Too far uphill.
Give me that ! [ Speaking Native Language ]
Woman knows how to cut the bush.
Die, Krippendorf ! Lying, cheating--
- Oh, man, you go. - Aaah ! Aaah !
- Lick, lick! - Krippendorf !Aaah !Aaah !Aaah !
The Shelmikedmu utabaji embraces his death with courage and dignity.
[ Burps ] Ohh ! Ahh. All right, let's get this show on the road.
I still don't understand why we have to kill him.
I told you-- So we can get rid of this Shelmikedmu crap.
I got a better idea. The Shelmikedmu family could celebrate the harvest.
Nah ! Come on, Mickey. Let's go.
Okay. Ready for my sweet potato, Mr. DeMille.
[ Mickey ] Okay, action.
- God, you are pathetic. - What?
- You said you weren't doing any more of these. - Oh, give me a break.
I'm dyin' with dignity out here.
Why don't you try living with some? I mean, what's next?
Gee, let's see. Well, we've had the backyard circumcision.
We've danced with the pigs to ensure my fertility.
That one really changed my life.
So, what's the next step? Cannibalism?
- Hey, Mrs. O'Brian, are you doing anything tonight? - Oh ! Shit !
We're having a barbecue. Wear some hot sauce.
Will you keep it down !
Listen to you, Ms. High and Mighty, Too Busy to Help Your Family.
That's such bullshit, and it doesn't change the fact that you're a liar.
- I had to lie ! - Not to me, you didn't.
Every time you do one of these, "it's the last one."
This is the last one.
Shelly, why do you think I'm dressed this way? I'm killing the utabaji.
- You are? - Yes !
After this, it's over. I'm killing the son of a bitch and burying him.
- When? - Now.
And after this, it's back to normal.
"Normal."
Who is that?
-[ Door Slams ] - That's it !
- Porter and Adams saw me. We're dead ! -[ Knocking On Door ]
Dad. Dad !
- Dad ! - What?
-[ Knocking Continues ] - They don't know it's you.
[ Gasps ] Perfect.
Edmund, go outside and hide in the hut.
- Mickey, go to the door. -[ Knocking Continues ]
- Dean Adams. Come in. - Thank you.
Who-- What-- What was that?
- We just saw the strangest thing. - Uh-- Uh, that?
Well, my father wanted to surprise you, but, uh--
He brought one of the Shelmikedmu here to America.
- Oh, this is marvelous. - Unbelievable.
Are you serious? Are you serious? This is incredible !
- Gerald? - Yes,James?
- Who's that with you? - President Porter,James.
I'm so upset. You spoiled my surprise.
You have outdone yourself,James.
I came here this afternoon...
to talk you into extending your lecture series, Professor...
but I never imagined this.
- Who could? - So, bring him out. I want to meet him.
[ Stammering ]
I would, but, uh, he's praying.
Yeah, uh, just one-- one, uh--
[ Speaking Shelmikedmu ]
Oh. Yeah. Excuse me.
Did you know he was planning this?
Yes. Yes, yes, I did.
[James Grunting, Speaking Shelmikedmu ]
- [ Porter ] May I use the phone? - Sure.
[ Laughing, Continues In Shelmikedmu ]
[ Laughing Continues ] He's got an incredible sense of humor.
- How long is he here for ? - Uh, just a little while.
Um, he's on a Super Saver.
I'd like him to meet a friend of mine.
Oh, I-- I'd like that, but I don't think it's gonna be, uh, possible.
Y-You see, he has to get back for, uh-- for shelriku.
Yes ! That's right. He has to get back for shelriku.
Uh-- Uh-- The sweet potato harvest.
The sweet potato har-- God, that is right !
Excellent. Excellent. That's right.
Has the sweet potato harvest come so quickly again?
Gosh, only 28 more cropping days till shelriku.
[ Porter ] Hold on. It's my nephew.
He books talent for a talk show, and he loves the idea.
- Excellent ! - Talk show? Oh, I don't think so.
- No, no, he's got a, uh-- No. -[ Porter ] Yes.
- No, no. No. - Yes !
- Tomorrow it is, then. It's settled. - Congratulations,James.
- Oh, don't you think the Alumni Association... - This is the most exciting...
[ Simultaneous Chattering Continues ]
[ TV:Commercial Jingle ] *Wishbone World's most colorful face **
[ TV:Monkey Screeching ]
Good evening, and welcome to another episode of...
Life of the Shelmikedmu.
Tonight we are airing a very special...
and perhaps controversial aspect...
of Professor Krippendorf s unique tribe:
the mating rituals of the Shelmikedmu.
- [ Gasps ] - I feel obliged to clarify...
for the viewer...
that the material presented tonight...
offensive as it may be for some...
and inappropriate as it may be for children...
is offered as scientific research.
And now, sit back and enjoy.
[ James Narrating ] The marriage of a Shelmikedmu male and female...
is consummated in the relative privacy of the penumana, or matrimonial hut.
Keeping to centuries of tradition...
the villagers wait outside the hut...
singing and hoping for a successful and fertile union.
[ Man ] Ho-ho !
After years of domestic drudgery...
the young bride takes advantage of this rare chance to let loose...
acting in a way that, to the untrained Western eye, might appear as drunkenness.
- [ Gasps ] - Go, baby !
Wild jungle woman.
- That's what I like. -[ Man Laughs ] This is gettin'good !
I'd do her.
- Oww ! - Ha-ha ! Look at this !
What'd you do that for ? I wasn't talkin' about you.
- Life Of The Shelmikedmu will be back in a moment. - Shake it, baby ! Shake it !
Everybody wants to be on the Larry Swift Show,James.
It's a great honor, I know, but--
Look, Simon, I need you to do this for me.
But the Shelmikedmu, that's your baby.
Why don't you appear on the show yourself?
I would, but I told you I have to fly home for my brother's funeral.
- But I'm concerned,James. I do not speak Shelmikedmu. - You'll be fine.
Just follow the notes. Look, I'm gonna be late for my flight.
The utabaji's gonna be here any second. You're gonna be okay.
- Go, go, go. - I'm going to do this for you. It will be an honor.
I'm ashamed I supported Ruth when she left for New Guinea to discredit you.
- When was that? - Last Tuesday.
[ Announcer ] And now back to the Larry Swift Show.
- Camera two. - Welcome back.
We're here discussing the amazing discovery of Dr.James Krippendorf.
Unfortunately, a death in his family means he couldn't be here tonight...
but we have the help of his colleague, Simon Alonso.
- Hello, Simon. - Hello, Larry.
And welcome, Chief Kawanakapi.
[ Muttering, Shouting ]
A traditional Shelmikedmu greeting.
- Oh. Hamass ! - Hamamass !
They must go through quite a few tables where he comes from.
[ Speaking Shelmikedmu ]
- Uh, what is he saying, Simon? - Um--
- [ Grunting ] - You know, Larry, I-- Larry, I--
Wait a second. My producer is telling me--
Oh, we have found an expert, someone who is fluent in Shelmikedmu.
- You did? - Yes, and here she is now.
Professor Veronica Micelli, a colleague of yours at Bounderbee University.
- Hi, Professor Micelli. - Shelmikedmu.
- Hi. Nice to see you, Alonso.
- You can go. - Uh, no, I promised Professor Krippendorf--
Go !
- [ Grunting ] - I have to go, Larry.
[ Moaning ]
Professor, you're an authority on the Shelmikedmu?
That's right, Larry.
Actually, in anthropological circles I have done everything but replace Professor Krippendorf...
as the expert on the Shelmikedmu.
Not to take anything away from his studies, of course, as inconclusive as they are.
Now the shit-ah hit-ah da fan-ah.
[ Groans ]
Could you ask the chief his initial impressions of the United States?
Oh, sure. Uh--
[ Speaking Shelmikedmu ]
You-ah...
bitch.
Mmm. [ Chuckling ]
He says it's a very large and frightening country...
full of things he thought existed only in myth.
- And he said that in only three syllables? - It's a very concise language.
Sadly, this is the chief s final appearance in America.
He flies home tonight.
Well, that makes this visit very special indeed.
- Could you please explain his costume for us? - Gladly.
I guess the most obvious ornament to the Western eye would be this penis sheath.
Um, its intention is to intimidate opposing tribes.
Now, interestingly, my research has proven...
that the size of the man's sheath is in direct contrast...
to the size of--
Let's just say, the bigger the sheath...
the smaller the-- obviously.
- [ Grunts ] - Now, Professor...
what is the chief doing now?
[ Muttering ]
This would be a sign of affection...
amongst the Shelmikedmu.
- Pretty much the same thing we do here. - Uh-huh.
Now, this act of the chief calls for the requisite response from the woman.
Aaaah !
** [ Singing In Shelmikedmu, Falsetto ]
So, uh, I know this may seem violent to the viewers...
but I can assure you the chief is very used to this.
Or, at least, he should be.
Now, after such a display of affection, it is very common to give an offering of gifts.
Just so happen to have some gifts right here.
What have you got there, Professor ?
Well, right here I have a lovely selection...
of stink slugs and sego grubs.
- [ Groaning ] - It's a delicacy for the Shelmikedmu.
[ Grunting ]
Ah, see. He's like a kid in a candy store.
- He would like to know, can he eat one right here? - Oh, of course he can.
I'lljust get a nice, big, slimy one. It'll fly right down.
- [ Grunting Continues ] - Let's see here. Okay.
- Here we go. - Can we get a close-up of that?
- Sure ! - Camera one.
[ Grunting Continues ]
- He says he can't wait to eat it. - Oh, be my guest.
All right.
Down-dah hatch-ah. Eat-ah, puke-ah.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Snorting ]
Fascinating, isn't it?
And the part where you slapped each other ? That was so rad.
Oh, yeah. I enjoyed that part too.
See ya.
Are you out of your mind?
What? Out of my mind?
You lied to everyone. You falsified research. You misappropriated grant money.
Is there anything you haven't done?
No-- Hey !
Let me see. Eating a grub on national television.
That about wraps it up pretty good.
- Hey. Great show. - Thanks.
- Thank you so much. - Mogo wacaca.
- Have a good day. - [ Chuckles ] My cock-ah rock-ah.
When did you figure this out?
Oh, gee, let me see. Maybe when I saw the wall of sex at the TV store.
They did everything but sell popcorn !
All right ! I'm sorry !
I did an awful thing to you, but you got your revenge.
- Barely. - Oh ! You made a fool out of me.
- Ohh ! - We're even, all right?
I am on that tape, too, remember ?
I am the one holding up the plank measuring how many pigs my breasts are worth.
Okay, okay, look. I'll tell them that I got you drunk.
- I'll tell them I seduced you. - Oh, great !
Even better. Now I'm an idiot and a coconspirator. Whoo !
Why did you tell Larry Swift that I was leaving?
Because once we send this character back to wherever he came from...
no one can prove a thing; we're safe.
Oh, really? Ruth Allen is in New Guinea, even as we speak...
looking for the Shelmikedmu.
She went there?
I dared her to go, but I never thought the woman would do it.
- What? You-- - Oops-- No, uh--
- [ Grunting Loudly ] - No big deal.
Tribes die off all the time.
They get wiped out by a volcano or a virus, never to be heard of again.
You wanna know who's never to be heard from again?
People who underestimate Ruth Allen.
It's going to be absolutely-- Veronica.
Wait there a second ! The Proxmire people have been searching for you all day !
- Me? They have? -[ Porter ] You won't believe it.
They are renewing James's grant...
so he can continue his work on the Shelmikedmu.
Mrs. Proxmire herself will present the check to James...
at a big gala Wednesday evening.
Here's the best part. The utabaji is going to be the guest of honor.
That's wonderful !
Did James happen to mention that he officially made me his partner ?
- Congratulations ! - Oh. Yes.
- Did you know that? - No.
Could mean going to jail.
No, it means more recognition.
Recognition? Recognition is the last thing I want !
I am not taking the grant.
Oh, yes, you are. Half that money is mine. I earned it.
You are insane. Did you know that?
And how does James Krippendorf go to a party with him?
Huh?
Go in and get the kids.
Me?
Well, I can't go in dressed like this, can I ?
Huh?
Son of a bitch !
W-Where are you going? James !
At Chester Hills...
we believe a structured life is a productive life, is a happy life.
I want you kids to look at the new skating rink in these brochures.
Ohhh-aaaaaaah !
- Ohh ! What is this? - What the hell ?
Ohh, pick-picket ! Oooh.
- [ Growling ] - Gosh ! Do you know who this is?
Wamook man ! [ Chuckles, Roars ]
Hello. I'm Veronica Micelli.
[ Veronica ] This is the-- the, uh--
This is the tribal chief on TV ! The, uh--
It's that savage that James has been carrying around like a sideshow freak.
- What the hell is he doing in our living room? - [ Roaring Continues ]
Get away from me, you voodoo twit !
-[ Veronica ] Okay, let's go ! - You see, Dr. Andrews?
You see what these kids have to grow up with?
Chester Hills is our last hope.
- Maybe it is. - [ Muttering ]
Shelly, take your cotton-pickin' purse off of that marble top table !
- [ Grunting Continues ] - My God in heaven, what is he doing now?
- That just means he likes it. - Oh, really?
-And what does he do if he doesn't like it? - Whoa !
- [ Gasps ] - Uh, that.
- Can they start Monday? - The sooner the better.
Yeah, well, Dad says we don't have to go to your stupid school.
- That's for your grandmother and me to decide. - Yes !
- Actually, that's for us to decide. - We'll choose what's best.
- [ Grunting, Muttering ] - Now get this filthy savage out of here ! Get him out !
I've had enough-- Whoa !
Oh,Jesus H. Christ ! Get off me, you pervert !
Come on ! Lori, suck it up ! Get a move on !
Must stop. Must sleep.
- Kill Ruth. Must stop. -[ Ruth ] You, Pela, must hurry up !
Hurry up !
What is it? Why have you stopped?
Land of spirits.
This is it? This is Bosavi ?
Bosavi. [ Native Language ]
[ Panting ]
Nothing.
It's nothing. I knew it.
[ Cackling ] I knew it ! I knew it !
I knew it ! There is no Shelmikedmu !
God, it must be so cool to be a globe-trotting 14-year-old.
Yeah, I used to dream of traveling.
God, my family and I didn't go anywhere.
Not even to the movies.
God, your parents must have loved you so much...
for them to take you along with them.
- Is that right? - Oh, believe me.
When they don't love you, they just pack their bags and say...
"Sorry, Veronica, honey. This trip's just for us grownups.
Hell would freeze over before we'd take you."
Hey, check this out. What do ya think?
[ Giggles ]
- I think it's beautiful. - Isn't it? It's my favorite.
Would you stick it in that garbage bag for me?
-**[ Band:Soft Jazz ] - [Whistles ] Right over here.
[ Gasps ] Oh !
Look! It's marvelous.
Hello, little fella. [ Laughing ]
Hamamass. Hors d'oeuvres, madam?
- Sego grubs. - Hmm.
- Champagne? - Thanks.
Hamamass.
[ Woman ] All right ! Keep it moving ! Next !
Henry Spivey, Mrs. Proxmire.
I'm the media consultant for the Shelmikedmu and a very big fan of yours.
- [ Coughs ] - And this is the woman I'm with.
May I say you look absolutely radiant this evening, Mrs. Proxmire?
- [ Rings ] - Thank you. Next.
Why don't you just bend over and kiss her shriveled ass?
Oh, Edith, how nice to see you.
Was it you who died, or was it your sister ?
-**[ Drum:Steady Beat ] - [ Crowd Gasping, Murmuring ]
[ Gerald ] Excuse me.At last.
- Welcome, Chief. - Greetings.
- Oh, please, right this way. - Please.
[ Murmuring Continues ]
[ Porter ] Mrs. Proxmire, Professor Krippendorf.
Mrs. Proxmire, it is my honor...
to introduce to you Kawanakapi...
the chief utabaji...
of the Shelmikedmu people.
-[ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ]
- Ohh ! - And where is Professor Micelli ?
She has been delayed. I'm terribly sorry.
Mrs. Proxmire is very anxious to meet her.
- She said she'd be here for dessert-- Aaah ! - [ Loud Grunt ]
I-I-I-I mean hors d'oeuvres.
Um, golly, I think I got that wrong.
- Um-- - [ Guttural Response In Shelmikedmu ]
Yes, uh, uh, she'd be arriving just about now.
- [ Grunts ] -[ Gerald ] Ladies and gentlemen, please !
This is horrible. Horrible.
"Stop stealing your parents' money.
Drop out now."
[ Phone Rings ]
"Good luck in summer school."
"Urgent. At Bosavi now.
"No sign of Shelmikedmu. A complete hoax.
Stop Krippendorf !"
You bet I will.
You made me lie to Larry Swift !
[ Speaking Shelmikedmu ]
All clear !
- Help me. - Keep breathing.
[ Groans ] Oww !
I thought you were gonna stay the utabaji...
until at least the main course.
How was I supposed to know Mrs. Proxmire was gonna be so hot to talk to me?
How did I ever get into this?
** [ Humming ]
[ Groaning, Squealing ]
You are actually enjoying this, aren't you?
Mm-hmm.
-[ Knock On Door ] -[ TV Audio ]
[ Knocking Continues ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Sighs ]
Hi. I am a colleague of your father from the university.
- What do you want? - Uh, I, uh, I am Professor Alonso.
Perhaps you have seen me on the Larry Swift Show?
Your father asked me to come by...
and pick up all the Shelmikedmu research material.
Why?
Why? Because he wants to show it at the gala tonight.
You'll have to come back tomorrow.
- No ! -[ Knocking ]
We need it tonight. Please. Please !
I am good with children. Please listen to me.
Please open up. Please !
[ Blows Raspberry ]
Oh, you think that's funny? You wait till Ruth Allen comes back from New Guinea !
I'll show you who's going to laugh last !
Shelly !
[ Panting ] Oh, I hate children !
- They know. - Don't you ever knock?
They know there's no Shelmikedmu. We have to tell Dad.
I'm driving.
You? You drive?
- For your approval, sir. -**[ Soft Jazz Continues ]
-[ Man ] So he says, "That goes for your cat too." -[ Guests Laughing ]
Are you a nursing mother ?
[ Gasps ]
Mmm !
You know, did I say "Happy birthday" to you yet?
- Happy birthday, Edith. - [ Muttering ]
May I call you Edith? God, what a gorgeous ring.
- I've been meaning to talk to you about the Timototta tribe. -[ Bell Ringing ]
Because people are gonna start getting bored with the Shelmikedmu.
So, we'll talk. Okay, good.
[ Gerald Clears Throat ]
So, must be something very important...
to keep your wife from attending this honor for your son-in-law.
Yeah. She had to defrost the refrigerator.
Aah !
- Oh, for God's sake-- -[ Gerald ] I'm terribly sorry.
- Krippendorf. - [ Gasps ]
Where is he? It's almost time for the presentation of the check...
and he's not here.
Oh... kay. I'll find him.
Chief?
- Hamamass ! -[ Crowd Gasping ]
[ Laughs ] He says he'll miss you, but we'll be back.
Okay. God, Porter reminds me of my cranky first-grade teacher.
- Penis. - Oh.
[ Grunts ]
Okay, I am only gonna dress like the utabaji until we get that check.
- All right, all right. - I'm just letting you know.
- Would you hurry up? I'm not that excited. - [ Muttering ]
...self-obsessed person I have ever met in my life.
- I can't believe you. "I, I, I. Me, me, me." - Oh, would you stop it?
You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me. You're the one who wanted--
[ Both Moaning ]
[ Screaming ]
- Oh, God ! - Aaaah !
- [ Gasps ] - [ Screaming Continues ]
Mrs. Proxmire, this is not what it looks like.
- [ Gasping For Breath ] - Listen, we're just--
- Are you all right? - Of course she's not. She's turning blue !
- Do something ! - [ Gasping Continues ]
- [ Oxygen Hissing ] - [ Regular Breathing ]
Ohh. Oh, good. You saved her life.
- [ Bell Ringing ] - Ah-ah ! No bell. No bell.
- Shh ! - No bell, please !
- [ Grunting ] - No bell ! No bell !
[ Sighs ]
- My God, you killed her. - I didn't kill her. Are you crazy?
Don't be silly. Mrs. Proxmire ! Look how happy she--
- No, no. Mrs. Proxmire ! - Huh?
- Hello ! Hello ! Mrs.-- Oh, look at that. -[ Woman ] Mrs. Proxmire !
Oh, shit !
Get dressed. Give me my penis, and I'll meet you downstairs.
-[ Knocking ] - Mrs. Proxmire, are you all right?
[ Moaning, Babbling ]
- What'll I say to President Porter ? - You'll think of something.
[ Babbling ]
[ Sighs ]
- Hey ! - Whoa.
Ohhh.
What's goin' on in here?
[ Speaking Shelmikedmu ]
[ Burps ]
Mmm.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh--
- [ Horn Honking ] - [ Shelly ] Get outta my way, you moron.
I thought you said Dad taught you to drive.
This is how he taught me !
- What's happening? - There's no answer.
- Keep tryin'. - Wait, wait, wait. Somebody picked up. Hello?
- Is it him? - Hello?
- [ Horn Honking ] - Hello? Papa Sulukim? Can you hear me?
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
Thank you. Thank you.
Now it's time for the presentation of the check...
to Professor... Krippendorf?
Yeah, he had to leave because, um-- Well, just because.
And he said that as his partner...
I could accept the check in his name.
Very well, Ms. Micelli.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
let's have a warm greeting...
for our Shelmikedmu utabaji.
Chief, that's for you. Go on up.
Hamamass !
[ Guests ] Hamamass !
[ Murmuring, Banging Tables, Muttering "Hamamass" ]
[ Snoring ]
Ms. Micelli, in recognition of the remarkable research...
that Professor Krippendorf--
and, apparently, you-- have accomplished...
Mrs. Proxmire is proud to present you...
with a check for $100,000...
to further your work on the Shelmikedmu people.
Wonderful.
- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Proxmire. - [ Gasps ]
- Thank you very much. - [ Grunting ]
It's so profoundly generous of you.
[ Guests Continue Murmuring ]
Oh, my God. [ Laughing ]
Thank you. [ Sighs ]
Well, as a girl I had a dream--
- [ Sobbing ] -[ Guests Murmuring, Sighing ]
[ Sobbing Continues ]
And that dream was to become an anthropologist.
Now, no accomplishment comes easily--
Stop ! Stop ! This whole thing is a fraud !
-[ Murmuring, Gasping ] - I have been faxed with proof...
that the Shelmikedmu do not exist !
- [ Laughs ] Professor, are you out of your mind? - What are you saying?
I hold here a facsimile from Professor Ruth Allen in New Guinea...
confirming that there is no evidence whatsoever of the Shelmikedmu.
- Gerald. - Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a small misunderstanding.
- Give me that. - See for yourself. They do not exist !
Hey. Hold on.
To any of you familiar with the Shelmikedmu...
it's not surprising that Professor Allen couldn't find them.
- And why not? - "Why not?"
There is a very good reason why not.
And my brother Mickey...
- will explain it to you. - [ Chuckling ]
Well, yes, um...
the reason why...
Professor Allen was not able to locate the Shelmikedmu--
I-It's quite simple. You see, they practice an obscure ritual...
called bu api...
in which the gods instruct them to conceal and reveal themselves.
And now you can't find them anymore.
- [ Guests Murmuring ] - Exactly.
[ Simon Chuckling ] This--
These children are part of the conspiracy.
This tribe is a fraud !
- It's not a fraud ! - [Whispers ] Eddie.
There has to be a Shelmikedmu tribe...
because if there isn't, we won't have fun anymore...
watching Shelly chase chickens...
and dancing together.
It'll be like it was after Mom died...
and nobody was happy.
Tell them. Tell them.
No, don't.
-[ Woman ] Ohh ! - [ Murmuring, Shouting ]
[ Simon ] Krippendorf !
-James ! - Professor !
- Krippendorf? -[ Simon ] I knew it !
The children know nothing !
[ Groans ]
Personally, I would like to string you up by that sheath and hang you out to dry.
The humiliation this university will have to endure...
on account of your actions...
is unthinkable.
I warned you,James, and now you are going to pay big-time !
- Very big-time ! -[ Gerald Laughs ]
I only hope you both stole enough money so you can afford a damn good lawyer !
- A very good damn lawyer ! - Gentlemen.
We have to put aside personal revenge...
and consider what's best for the university.
For the university. Exactly.
- [ Blows Raspberry ] - [ Grunts ]
-[ Knock On Door ] - All this happened because--
I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's an urgent call from a Professor Allen...
in New Guinea on line three.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
I'm sure we all want to hear this.
- [ Static ] - President Porter here, Professor.
- Hello, Ruth-- - With Adams and Krippendorf.
- You're on the speakerphone. -[ Static Continues ]
- I want to thank you for-- -[ Ruth ] We've found them.
I'm sorry, Ruth. It sounded as if you said you found something.
What did you find?
- Aaaah ! - What was that, Ruth? I couldn't hear you.
- [ Chanting, Shouting ] - Ruth? Could you say it again, please?
**[ Drums ]
[ Gerald ] What did you fiind?
-[ Boy Screams ] - The Shelmikedmu.
-[ Drumming Continues ] - Stop that drumming !
We found the Shelmikedmu.
I am on the phone. I am on the phone !
[ Ruth ] Lori,you are driving me "F"-ing crazy !
- [ Drumming Continues ] - We found the Shelmikedmu.
- No, no, no. Wait a minute. -[ Ruth ] Yes.
- [ Gerald, Simon Blathering ] - Yes, we found the Shelmikedmu.
[ Simon ] How can you do this, Ruth?
-[ Ruth ] I'm losing you. I am losing you ! -[ Blathering Continues ]
- He is right here in this room ! - You tell me now that--
We'll send out a press release immediately...
explaining that what happened tonight...
- was all a practical joke. -[ Gerald ] No, no, no, no--
That's what we'll do.
Exactly.
Yes.
Well, there's just so much that I could say...
but I think I'll be a bigger person than you and not say it.
Children, let's go. Ms. Micelli.
-[ Door Opens ] - That does not surprise me at all, because--
You're fired.
- Exactly. -[ Door Closes ]
- What do you want, guys? - I want a hot dog.
-[ Dialing ] - A hot dog.
[ Rings ]
[ Man ] Hello, hello.
Any problems, Papa Sulukim?
-**[ Rock ] - No !
Not a one, Shelly. Not a one.
[ Shelly ] So Professor Allen swallowed the whole thing?
Good for you, too, because no amount of money could get me to wear a penis sheath again.
Well, I sent your stuff this morning.
Any problems, call me.
Take care of yourself...
my little Shelly Krippendorf...
and hamamass.
Hamamass, Papa Sulukim.
-*Eee-eee-eee-eee * - And thanks.
*Ee-eee-eee-eee-eee Ee-wi-om-om-moweh *
So, when exactly did--
It's a tribal thing.
-*Wi-om-om-moweh ** - Your father's right. The Timototta are wrong.
- We'lljust stick with the Shelmikedmu. - I never said that.
- You know where we went wrong with them? - Yes, I do.
- There is no such tribe. That's where we went wrong. - Be that as it may--
- We blew the publishing. - Big-time ! Thank you ! See?
- Okay, so what we're gonna do with the Shelmikedmu-- - There is no such thing.
We're going to concentrate our efforts on a glossy presentation.
Does anybody listen to me? There is no such tribe.
**
*Have you ever been close to tragedy *
*Or been close to folks who have *
*Have you ever felt the pain so powerful *
*So heavy you collapse *
No? Well...
*I never had to knock on wood *
*But I know someone who has *
*Which makes me wonder if I could *
*It makes me wonder if I *
*Never had to knock on wood *
*And I'm glad I haven't yet *
*Because I'm sure it isn't good *
*That's the impression that I get *
*Have you ever had the odds tick up so high *
*You need a strength most don't possess *
*Or has it ever come down to do or die *
*You got to rise above the rest *
No? Well...
*I never had to knock on wood *
*But I know someone who has *
*Which makes me wonder if I could *
*It makes me wonder if I *
*Never had to knock on wood *
*And I'm glad I haven't yet *
*Because I'm sure it isn't good *
*That's the impression that I get *
*I'm not a coward I've just never been tested *
*I'd like to think that if I was, I would pass *
*Look at the tested and think there but for the grace go I *
*Might be a coward I'm afraid of what I might fiind out *
*Never had to knock on wood *
*But I know someone who has *
*Which makes me wonder if I could *
*It makes me wonder if I *
*Never had to knock on wood *
*And I'm glad I haven't yet *
*Because I'm sure it isn't good *
*That's the impression that I get *
*Never had to but I'd better knock on wood *
*'Cause I know someone who has *
*Which makes me wonder if I could *
*It makes me wonder if I *
*Never had to but I'd better knock on wood *
*'Cause I'm sure it isn't good *
*And I'm glad I haven't yet *
*That's the impression that I get **